Firstly, please don’t read any further if any of the topics in the title are likely to annoy you. I’m not here to piss anyone off but just trying to make some sort of sense of things for where I am currently. This isn’t about anyone else, for anyone else, just me.
⬆⬆⬆ You self centred twat!
For those that know me, or have read here over the years, then you’ll know I’ve had massive issues with food etc etc and served my time as an inpatient for an ED.
I don’t know if my problems have got better, worse or are just different. Previously, up until 5 ish weeks ago, I was actively vomiting and taking laxatives on a regular basis. My weight practically stayed the same, the vomiting and stuff didn’t really make any difference (as we know it rarely does), having to function as a parent in this state, I’m guessing because I don’t really know/remember, is tough.
5 weeks ago things changed, I literally just stopped both behaviours, started eating differently, still plenty, and started flogging my arse in the gym. I feel better I tell myself, I’m cured from these horrible eating related issues, I’m utilising better skills by working like a donkey in the gym everything’s great. All things I tell myself.
The weights falling off.
But it’s not about the weight Charlotte, that’s not important, you’re doing it for other reasons, another thing I tell myself.
The number on the scales, they aren’t important. It’s how you feel what’s important.
LIES. Them last 2 sentences are a lie, my lie. It’s a big fat lie.
“The number on the scales they don’t define you”
“Oh, but they do, they really fucking do”
For me they do
For me they shouldn’t
In fact they shouldn’t for anybody. NO ONE!
No one should rely on a stupid machine that tells you your weight too feel some sort of purpose, some sort of achievement, some sort of pleasure.
It’s so conflicting. I enjoy to exercise, I think, but do I? Is it just another form of punishment, if I enjoy it then why am I doing it…..we all know you should not do anything you enjoy, pleasure is not for you.
Trying to determine if something is actually really beneficial for all of “me” is as big a challenge as ever. But then does it matter, if it’s beneficial for all of me, or just one/two parts of me? There’s only one body, a body that will get fucked somewhere along the lines if we’re not careful.
Is it about the need for control? I can’t control my mind, the thoughts, the chaos, the unpredictability of who I am from one minute to the next, I can’t change who I am.
I can’t change who I am, or all the horrible things that happened to me.
Can you fuck Charlotte, can you fuck!
Is it just a distraction? Something else to deflect from ourselves?
Obsessing about food and exercising, if I’m honest, leaves a lot less room for all the other stuff. So if I stop, it’s all going to come back worse than ever isn’t it.
I’m full of contradictions. Yes, I’m eating plenty, but I’m also having to burn it off, I’m also reliant on the numbers going down.
Somewhere I acknowledge there is a problem when I’m taking a bite of my daughters pizza, chewing it but then I’m not allowed to swallow it, spitting it out because I don’t know any of the nutritional information for it. ⬅ That’s not “normal” behaviour.
Maybe not, but it makes me feel powerful, strong, in control and better than the weaker me.
It’s been raised by others externally that I’m becoming manic. I’m not, I know I’m not, yet I guess I can see why they may think that. Because I’m full of energy, not sleeping, talking too fast, a bit obnoxious, flirting far more than I would normally do, being embarrassing, being louder, being different.
But that’s not “me”, it’s so difficult to explain. Maybe it is me. I just don’t know.
The only way I can best describe it, is that I’m just letting whoever wants to be, be!
That scares me. Petrifies me. But surely I owe it to all of “us” to allow all this stuff to be explored.
Me, us, ourselves, we.
Where do I begin and where do I end?
Who am I?
I just don’t know.
I’m done with writing now, I’m done with all the jumping around while trying to read it back, someone else stepping in here and there to add bits, someone else coming along and deleting bits. I suppose this is why writing has become less frequent. The constant having to write and delete, change things, argue about things, so many drafts, so few posts.
Over and out.
Love to all.